Hello, friends, Tom your friendly Traveler here. It occurred to me today that you can tell a lot about someone’s personality based on their luggage. For this study I used a scientific model: observe and stereotype. I am going to refrain from telling you what type of luggage I have, instead, I want you to e-mail or comment and tell me what type of luggage you think I have. I won’t be offended.
Black Luggage
So you decided on Black luggage, did you? Well, congratulations, you and your hundred million counterparts are the most common. You’re also either boring, lazy, or both. If black is really the most creative way that you found to express yourself via your luggage then let’s face it- you are AVERAGE. But not only are you average, believe it or not, you make flying painful for the rest of us. You’re the people who want chat the entire plane ride. You’re the people who take forever to board and find your seat. You’re the people who accidently forget sixty ounces of water in your carry-on. Yes, black, the world hates you for your unoriginality and overall lack of… anything.
At a glance: boring, lazy, average
Famous People: Everyone who is average.
Suggestions: dreams and aspirations, creative hobbies, muzzles.
Luggage Nemesis: Red
Blue Luggage
Blue luggage is actually fairly rare. And for people with blue luggage, showering is equally rare and generally accompanied with an overall lack of hygiene and strong addiction to World of Warcraft. These are the guys with long hair (and no product), beat up tee shirts from the Styx concert they rocked out to twenty years ago, and the lovely odor of cheetos, jolt soda and body odor. In some cases, I don’t have to see blue’s luggage to know they are blues- I can tell because half their morbidly obese body is probably spilling over into my seat and paralyzing half of my body.
At a glance: intelligent (geeky), quirky
Famous People: Steve Jobs, Bill Gates
Luggage Nemesis: Green
Suggestions: diet, deodorant, sunshine.
Green Luggage
Green luggage, similar to blue luggage, is somewhat rare. But while the blues are usually friendly- albeit smelly- the greens are know-it-alls. The people who are always right- even when wrong- inherently condescend when they talk to you, and every sentence concludes with a drawn out “Ok…”. The reason they use the drawn out “Ok…” at the end of each sentence is to validate (to them) that what they’ve said is accurate. For instance “the sun revolves around the Earth, Ok…”. You can extrapolate as many examples as you would like with that general feeling. Truth be told, these are probably the kids that blues picked on in high school. These were the band geeks that the computer gamers (blues) made fun of. Are you surprised to learn there is a geek hierarchy? If you are, that means you probably have green luggage- Sucker! The best way to get along with green is to ignore them. In the unfortunate event that they engage you, just nod your head as if you agree, and think to yourself “what an asshole”.
At a glance: Wanna-be-intellectuals, abrasive, mal-informed.
Famous People: Rush Limbaugh
Luggage Nemesis: Blue
Suggestions: sports, human interaction.
Red Luggage
You may think that people with red luggage want attention. But you would be wrong- dead wrong! People with red luggage want to be left alone. Their luggage is red for a reason, much like if you see a frog in the Amazon with a bright red back, don’t lick it or it will kill you. This is a perfect analogy. Sure, the frog looks friendly and peaceful. But it’s not. It’s poisonous if you mess with it. Thus, people with red luggage are calm and present on the outside. They’ll board quickly, sit down, and shut up. They aren’t looking to chat or schmooze. They’ll smile and be polite- but that’s it. Further, red is like a silent volcano waiting to erupt. If you board to slow, you’ll get the evil eye. If you ask a dumb question, you’ll get a colorful answer. If you mouth off to the stewardess who was just trying to be nice, red is going to give you an earful. And you’ll promptly shut up because you can see that reds are ready and willing to smash you in the face with their laptop and then lock you in the bathroom for the duration of the flight.
At a glance: reclusive, deadly when required, possibly rich.
Famous People: Jason Bourne, The Incredible Hulk
Luggage Nemesis: Louis Vuitton.
Suggestions: horse tranquilizers, anger management
Pink Luggage
Congratulations, you’re the hot, popular chicks that aspire to be physical trainers and professional cheer leaders. You’re almost certainly in a sorority and strutting around in a skimpy little skirt (thanks for that, by the way!), Ugg boots, and a Juicy Couture shirt. Your sorority letters are plastered everywhere because God knows what would happen if the world wasn’t entirely sure you were Delta Kappa Stupid or whatever sorority you’re in. The good news is you are beautiful. The bad news is that, to quote Judge Judy, “beauty fades- dumb is forever”. And yes, my sweet little Tinkerbell, you are stupid. Dumb as a brick, in fact. You’re so dumb that matching the seat number on your boarding pass to the seat number posted above the seat is a task so strenuous that you typically end up hiding in the bathroom and quivering until some ugly guy (usually a blue) helps you in the futile effort to win a date. You’ll thank him for helping you find your seat, then snicker with your equally idiotic sorority sisters about “ZOMG he smelled so bad ewww”. Your only real hope in life is to sit next to a rich red and hope he’s looking for a trophy wife. Otherwise, you’re screwed.
At a glance: Extremely hot, Extremely stupid.
Famous People: Barbie, Tyra Banks
Luggage Nemesis: None (too stupid to know what nemesis means).
Suggestions: breast implants, tummy tucks, flashcards.
Purple Luggage
This one is simple. All your life you’ve aspired to be a pink, but there is one serious problem. Well, two serious problems: you’re smart and you’re ugly. Pink walks all over you and yet you’re always secretly wishing they’d give you a bid to join Kappa Alpha Stupid. Fear not, though, Purple, there is hope for you. The blues are seriously checking you out for a romantic date (in World of Warcraft).
At a glance: Smart, Unattractive, Super nice.
Famous People: Oprah, Janet Reno
Luggage Nemesis: Pink (secretly- it’s out of jealousy).
Suggestions: exercise, dumb it down, get a pink bag.
White Luggage
This one is also simple because there are only four possibilities. You’re gay, you’re secretly gay, you’re a Republican member of Congress, or you’re a religious leader. Notice anything about that statement? There’s really only one possibility- one way or another YOU ARE GAY! And if the white luggage wasn’t enough of a hint, the bleached tips in your hair, purple tie, ridiculous lisp, and frequent trips to the Minneapolis/St. Paul men’s room should have been. Don’t get me wrong- I love gay people- friendly as sin- but seriously, white luggage?
At a glance: To quote Stephen Colbert- “Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay!”
Famous People: Larry Craig, Ted Haggart, Richard Simmons
Luggage Nemesis: None.
Suggestions: Frequent trips to San Francisco.
Fake Louis Vuitton Luggage
Look, you’re really not fooling anyone. Your fake Louis luggage is coming apart at the seams. But if that wasn’t a dead giveaway, the fact that you’re sitting in seat 48G- the middle seat in the second to last row- tends to make people think “hmm… you can afford one thousand dollar luggage but not a business class ticket”. You’re not fooling anyone- even pinks know you’re full of it- so do yourself a favor and go get a normal bag.
At a glance: fake, silly looking.
Famous People: Hobos?
Luggage Nemesis: Real Louis Vuitton
Suggestions: Getting a better job; buying real Louis Vuitton luggage
Real Louis Vuitton Luggage
Congratulations, you are the most hated people in the sky. Simply put you’re obnoxious. Everything about you is obnoxious. You strut around with your designer bag- probably rolling over people’s toes on purpose just so they notice your stupid bag- and take up the entire overhead bin space for your precious luggage. I’ve got news for you buddy, you’re an asshole and everyone knows it. Everyone on the plane secretly snickers about how stupid your luggage is. We all know you’re over compensating for “something”. And stop being so rude to the stewardess or she’s going to spit in your drink, and if she doesn’t, someone else will. We all think you should start considering private jets because no one on commercial flights really wants to put up with you or your obnoxious luggage anymore.
At a glance: super rich, super rude
Famous People: Tobey Maguire, Simon Cowell
Luggage Nemesis: Everyone with less money.
Suggestions: Removing stick from…
