Our President, The Retard. Thursday, May 29 2008
Bush and Humor and News and Nightmares and Politics and Republicans 9:38 pm
Travel 101- Florida: Why Can’t You Drive? Friday, Mar 14 2008
Bush and Humor and Travel 6:02 am
Dear Florida-
What the FUCK is wrong with you? No, seriously- what’s fucking wrong with you? Or, specifically, what’s wrong with the people that live within you? I don’t personally understand how one state can be so densely populated with complete stupidity. I mean, sure, there are other states chock full of retards (the upper Midwest minus Denver; the rest of the South, etc) but you, Florida, seem to have a knack for picking out the true Darwinian failures and giving them drivers licenses in huge volumes.
For instance, why can’t anyone in Florida drive like a normal mother fucking human being? Even New Jersey drivers- while assholes- encompass some kind of motor skill. Meanwhile Floridians seem to be constantly trying to figure out “what them two pedals do” by means of jamming on both of them sporadically on the freeway as much as possible, while simultaneously jerking the steering wheel in all kinds of ways which make me believe that most Floridians actually think the steering wheel is what controls the volume on their radio and not, you know, steering!
And you know what else, Florida? When a huge down pour begins out of the blue, and you can’t even see one foot in front of you on the freeway because it’s literally mother fucking POURING, that’s when you’re supposed to USE YOUR BRAKE. But not only is it time to use your brake, it’s NOT the time to start an impromptu NASCAR race on the freeway with all your fellow evolutionary rejects. I mean- what the fuck is the matter with you? It’s like trying to hump a light socket when the lamp is still plugged in (which, no doubt, someone in Florida tried first)! But alas, clearly the normal thought process doesn’t apply in Florida, and after each 10-minute down pour, there are inevitably a dozen or so (at least) cars and trucks that have crashed all over the place.
In closing, Florida, please stop trying to kill everyone on the mother fucking road. It’s supposed to be a means to go from point A to B, and you don’t get points for casualities along the way, so calm the mother fuck DOWN, learn to distinguish between things like BRAKE and GAS, and in general, the steering wheel is your friend, so stop pretending like you’re trying to desperately steer yourself out of a black hole, you crazy bastards.
Ha, like you people know what black holes are.
Sincerely Yours.
PS- Thanks for Bush ala 2000, you fucking pricks.
Bad Ideas- Microsoft Sync Friday, Mar 7 2008
Humor 6:30 am
The premise of Microsoft Sync is that you can control your car radio with your voice or some bullshit like that. It’s a good idea in theory… but I can think of one big reason why this is a bad idea.
Who in their fucking RIGHT MIND wants Microsoft technology in their car? WHO? Bill Gates himself probably doesn’t even want a car where Microsoft is involved. I can see it now- I’m driving along the freeway in my nice new car, listening to the radio, when suddenly some shitty pop song comes on to which I say to my car “switch to mozart”.
Then, suddenly, Microsoft takes a huge SHIT and my windshield displays a gigantic blue screen of death and locks up my steering wheel and brakes and now I’m spinning out of control on the freeway ramming into other cars and school busses and mutiliating young children all while my car is stuck in blue screen of death land with no option but to continue this exciting motor vehicle crash until such time as I can hold my key in the ignition position for 8 seconds and force my car to reboot.
So excuse me for not wanting Microsoft’s shit software anywhere near my car. I barely trust them with the porn on my PC, let alone my LIFE in my VEHICLE. Sweet Jesus what are they thinking?
Traveling 101- Color Coordinated Groups of Assholes Friday, Mar 7 2008
Some travelers find it necessary to dress as a group. No doubt you’ve seen these people- ten to twenty adults all dressed in similar garb- usually for a sports team. Ok, we get it, you’re all fans of college sports team X or Y. But your group looks like a bright orange hot bed of stupidity. Was coordinating dress up day really a worthy use of your time at this juncture in life? Actually, if the pinnacle of your mediocre existence is dressing up with a bunch of your pals in bright orange Illinois bullshit than it probably was the best use of your time.
Oh, but of course, there’s always that ONE asshole who didn’t get the fucking memo so he’s in that off-colored Illinois garb. You know, the blue sweatshirt instead of bright orange one! And now his wife is so pissed off that they don’t match the group she’s probably going to blow one of his pals in the nearest bathroom stalls to get back at him because women are vindictive bitches like that.
The joke is on you though you color coordinated freaks. You know what else is bright orange? The glow of the fire after your plane plummets 30,000 feet to Earth and crashes at 500MPH into the rock hard snow covered Illinois ground. All while you chant your final fight song for Illinois U. Suckers.
Political Banter from Philadelphia, PA Wednesday, Mar 5 2008
Democrats and Humor and Politics and Republicans 2:15 pm
I don’t mind Hillary Clinton. Really, I don’t. She’d probably be a good President. But you know what I like more than Hillary Clinton? WINNING. And I want a god-damn Democrat to win in 2008. I don’t care if it’s Mickey Mouse running with Minnie on the Democratic ticket- just as long as we win. Because a cartoon mouse is probably STILL more competent than President Georgie. But Hillary. If you stay in this, and you get the nomination, and you lose to Grandpa McCain, consider your political career OVER. Even Mitt Romney had the common sense to bail out before totally isolating himself from his party (which party he belongs to, I am still unsure).
PS- Hillary, your phone call ad (and Obama, your copycat ad) was the biggest piece of crap I’ve seen so far this entire campaign (excluding Giuliani) and if any voter changed their mind as a result of either ad, they should never be allowed to vote. They should be banished. To Kansas.
President Georgie endorsed Grandpa McCain today. Keep the pictures of you two hugging coming, guys, Democrats everywhere thank you!
Who did Glenn Beck blackmail to get himself on TV? No, seriously? Does anybody know?
The Fed announced today the economy has weakened this year. *shrugs* Thanks for the update, guys! So glad to see you’re not sleeping at the wheel.
What does your luggage say about you? Saturday, Feb 23 2008
Hello, friends, Tom your friendly Traveler here. It occurred to me today that you can tell a lot about someone’s personality based on their luggage. For this study I used a scientific model: observe and stereotype. I am going to refrain from telling you what type of luggage I have, instead, I want you to e-mail or comment and tell me what type of luggage you think I have. I won’t be offended.
Black Luggage
So you decided on Black luggage, did you? Well, congratulations, you and your hundred million counterparts are the most common. You’re also either boring, lazy, or both. If black is really the most creative way that you found to express yourself via your luggage then let’s face it- you are AVERAGE. But not only are you average, believe it or not, you make flying painful for the rest of us. You’re the people who want chat the entire plane ride. You’re the people who take forever to board and find your seat. You’re the people who accidently forget sixty ounces of water in your carry-on. Yes, black, the world hates you for your unoriginality and overall lack of… anything.
At a glance: boring, lazy, average
Famous People: Everyone who is average.
Suggestions: dreams and aspirations, creative hobbies, muzzles.
Luggage Nemesis: Red
Blue Luggage
Blue luggage is actually fairly rare. And for people with blue luggage, showering is equally rare and generally accompanied with an overall lack of hygiene and strong addiction to World of Warcraft. These are the guys with long hair (and no product), beat up tee shirts from the Styx concert they rocked out to twenty years ago, and the lovely odor of cheetos, jolt soda and body odor. In some cases, I don’t have to see blue’s luggage to know they are blues- I can tell because half their morbidly obese body is probably spilling over into my seat and paralyzing half of my body.
At a glance: intelligent (geeky), quirky
Famous People: Steve Jobs, Bill Gates
Luggage Nemesis: Green
Suggestions: diet, deodorant, sunshine.
Green Luggage
Green luggage, similar to blue luggage, is somewhat rare. But while the blues are usually friendly- albeit smelly- the greens are know-it-alls. The people who are always right- even when wrong- inherently condescend when they talk to you, and every sentence concludes with a drawn out “Ok…”. The reason they use the drawn out “Ok…” at the end of each sentence is to validate (to them) that what they’ve said is accurate. For instance “the sun revolves around the Earth, Ok…”. You can extrapolate as many examples as you would like with that general feeling. Truth be told, these are probably the kids that blues picked on in high school. These were the band geeks that the computer gamers (blues) made fun of. Are you surprised to learn there is a geek hierarchy? If you are, that means you probably have green luggage- Sucker! The best way to get along with green is to ignore them. In the unfortunate event that they engage you, just nod your head as if you agree, and think to yourself “what an asshole”.
At a glance: Wanna-be-intellectuals, abrasive, mal-informed.
Famous People: Rush Limbaugh
Luggage Nemesis: Blue
Suggestions: sports, human interaction.
Red Luggage
You may think that people with red luggage want attention. But you would be wrong- dead wrong! People with red luggage want to be left alone. Their luggage is red for a reason, much like if you see a frog in the Amazon with a bright red back, don’t lick it or it will kill you. This is a perfect analogy. Sure, the frog looks friendly and peaceful. But it’s not. It’s poisonous if you mess with it. Thus, people with red luggage are calm and present on the outside. They’ll board quickly, sit down, and shut up. They aren’t looking to chat or schmooze. They’ll smile and be polite- but that’s it. Further, red is like a silent volcano waiting to erupt. If you board to slow, you’ll get the evil eye. If you ask a dumb question, you’ll get a colorful answer. If you mouth off to the stewardess who was just trying to be nice, red is going to give you an earful. And you’ll promptly shut up because you can see that reds are ready and willing to smash you in the face with their laptop and then lock you in the bathroom for the duration of the flight.
At a glance: reclusive, deadly when required, possibly rich.
Famous People: Jason Bourne, The Incredible Hulk
Luggage Nemesis: Louis Vuitton.
Suggestions: horse tranquilizers, anger management
Pink Luggage
Congratulations, you’re the hot, popular chicks that aspire to be physical trainers and professional cheer leaders. You’re almost certainly in a sorority and strutting around in a skimpy little skirt (thanks for that, by the way!), Ugg boots, and a Juicy Couture shirt. Your sorority letters are plastered everywhere because God knows what would happen if the world wasn’t entirely sure you were Delta Kappa Stupid or whatever sorority you’re in. The good news is you are beautiful. The bad news is that, to quote Judge Judy, “beauty fades- dumb is forever”. And yes, my sweet little Tinkerbell, you are stupid. Dumb as a brick, in fact. You’re so dumb that matching the seat number on your boarding pass to the seat number posted above the seat is a task so strenuous that you typically end up hiding in the bathroom and quivering until some ugly guy (usually a blue) helps you in the futile effort to win a date. You’ll thank him for helping you find your seat, then snicker with your equally idiotic sorority sisters about “ZOMG he smelled so bad ewww”. Your only real hope in life is to sit next to a rich red and hope he’s looking for a trophy wife. Otherwise, you’re screwed.
At a glance: Extremely hot, Extremely stupid.
Famous People: Barbie, Tyra Banks
Luggage Nemesis: None (too stupid to know what nemesis means).
Suggestions: breast implants, tummy tucks, flashcards.
Purple Luggage
This one is simple. All your life you’ve aspired to be a pink, but there is one serious problem. Well, two serious problems: you’re smart and you’re ugly. Pink walks all over you and yet you’re always secretly wishing they’d give you a bid to join Kappa Alpha Stupid. Fear not, though, Purple, there is hope for you. The blues are seriously checking you out for a romantic date (in World of Warcraft).
At a glance: Smart, Unattractive, Super nice.
Famous People: Oprah, Janet Reno
Luggage Nemesis: Pink (secretly- it’s out of jealousy).
Suggestions: exercise, dumb it down, get a pink bag.
White Luggage
This one is also simple because there are only four possibilities. You’re gay, you’re secretly gay, you’re a Republican member of Congress, or you’re a religious leader. Notice anything about that statement? There’s really only one possibility- one way or another YOU ARE GAY! And if the white luggage wasn’t enough of a hint, the bleached tips in your hair, purple tie, ridiculous lisp, and frequent trips to the Minneapolis/St. Paul men’s room should have been. Don’t get me wrong- I love gay people- friendly as sin- but seriously, white luggage?
At a glance: To quote Stephen Colbert- “Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay!”
Famous People: Larry Craig, Ted Haggart, Richard Simmons
Luggage Nemesis: None.
Suggestions: Frequent trips to San Francisco.
Fake Louis Vuitton Luggage
Look, you’re really not fooling anyone. Your fake Louis luggage is coming apart at the seams. But if that wasn’t a dead giveaway, the fact that you’re sitting in seat 48G- the middle seat in the second to last row- tends to make people think “hmm… you can afford one thousand dollar luggage but not a business class ticket”. You’re not fooling anyone- even pinks know you’re full of it- so do yourself a favor and go get a normal bag.
At a glance: fake, silly looking.
Famous People: Hobos?
Luggage Nemesis: Real Louis Vuitton
Suggestions: Getting a better job; buying real Louis Vuitton luggage
Real Louis Vuitton Luggage
Congratulations, you are the most hated people in the sky. Simply put you’re obnoxious. Everything about you is obnoxious. You strut around with your designer bag- probably rolling over people’s toes on purpose just so they notice your stupid bag- and take up the entire overhead bin space for your precious luggage. I’ve got news for you buddy, you’re an asshole and everyone knows it. Everyone on the plane secretly snickers about how stupid your luggage is. We all know you’re over compensating for “something”. And stop being so rude to the stewardess or she’s going to spit in your drink, and if she doesn’t, someone else will. We all think you should start considering private jets because no one on commercial flights really wants to put up with you or your obnoxious luggage anymore.
At a glance: super rich, super rude
Famous People: Tobey Maguire, Simon Cowell
Luggage Nemesis: Everyone with less money.
Suggestions: Removing stick from…
Breaking News: Bush letter to Kim Jonh Il leaked! Thursday, Dec 6 2007
Bush and Cheney and Humor and News and Politics and Republicans and War 11:38 pm
This is incredible. I can’t believe they released it. The most eloquent Bush statement ever!
President Bush: Mr. Palestine and other successes! Monday, Dec 3 2007
Democrats and Humor and News and Nightmares and Politics and Republicans 10:13 am
Recently, a magazine I read, The Economist, had a cover with President Bush on it (the real cover is right below):
The cover was in reference to the Middle East Peace Talks hosted here in the US last week. The cover, which illustrates that Bush may be the only one who can really help push these talks through, made me think of all the other stunning accomplishments our President, Mr. Bush, has done for the country. I present to you my submissions for future covers on The Economist:
I hope you’ve enjoyed this (satirical) look at all of Mr. Bush’s stunning achievements in his seven years in office so far. And Cheers to another long year of leadership!
Kid Nation: Who The Kids Grow Up To Be Like – PART I Thursday, Nov 29 2007
Humor 1:25 am
No doubt some of you have watched the hit TV show “Kid Nation”, where a bunch of annoying little shits get to run their own town in butt-fuck Utah (or something). Yes, challenges, drama, chores, social classes, and all the usual childish bullshit that makes me never want to have a kid. Christ, this show makes me not even want to me an Uncle. At any rate, I find myself wondering every show- what are these kids going to amount to? In ten, twenty, thirty years- what or who will these kids end up like? I decided to cast my predications- five kids at a time- for all the little shits.
Now, some people may say “but Tom, you can’t pick on innocent little children like that, you bastard”. Oh yeah? Fucking watch me. If those turds want to invade my TV screen for an hour once a week then I am going to invade their self esteem for an hour every now and again. Why should I have any sympathy for them? I got made fun of as a kid (I hated it) so they need to suck it up like I did (because I’m obviously not bitter and at this point very well adjusted). On to my predictions for the little terrors.
Taylor
I’ll start with everyone’s favorite moron- the Georgia beauty queen. Enjoy it while it lasts Taylor, because your looks will fade. And when they do, I hope to God you’ve already suckered some poor rich guy to marry you. Because pending a very lucrative engagement, you’re doomed to mediocrity. Face it- you don’t like to (and probably can’t) read. You don’t like to work and thus you don’t. Earth to moron: no one likes to fucking work. We do it because we have to.
No wonder the chickens are your only friends in Bonanza City (except that blonde wannabe)- they’re the only “things” in the town that can relate to your level of stupidity, and I feel like I may be insulting the chickens here. And you don’t even like all the chickens because some of them are ugly.
God you’re stupid. How did you get so stupid? I don’t know but it must involve a metric fuck load of paint chips.
My Prediction:
Lauren Caitlin Upton, Miss South Carolina Teen USA (the one who wants to help American children read maps: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww)
Alex
At age 9, he may very well be smarter than me. But probably not funnier, sucker! He reads at lightening speeds and apparently he’s read Al Gore’s book “An Inconvenient Truth”. What the fuck? Shouldn’t he be doing something more age appropriate- like wasting all his time on the internet blogging about all the most current geo political events (or scouring for porn)? Seriously, what’s the point of the internet if young nerdy kids aren’t going to abuse it?
But honestly, I like Alex, I can’t lie- he’s one of those kids on Kid Nation that you don’t want to murder. But he really needs to get that crazy tooth fixed- god damn! But I predict he’ll end up as a major nerd, you know, one of those major nerds that founds a company and makes billions of dollars.
My Prediction:
Jerry Yang, PhD, Founder of Yahoo and resident billionaire.
Emilie
I’m afraid there isn’t much hope for her, either. She’s as stupid as her name is spelled. Why do parents insist on giving their kids names with fucked up spelling? What surprises me is that this is a girl who always puts up a fight to not kill the chickens. And she isn’t exactly miss skinny, so I would think that instead of protecting the chickens she would be ripping their heads off with her bare hands, drinking their blood, and then eating them raw?
Her comments are usually pretty incoherent and worthless, but this is easily explained when you read her profile on CBS.com where she admits that her parents voted for Bush and that she agreed with their decision. Clearly the apple doesn’t fall very far from the tree, in the sense that they are all very dumb, damaged apples.
My Prediction:
A more republican Rosie O’ Donnell.
Jared
This kid is so fucking weird I am afraid to say anything bad about him because I am pretty sure he’ll hunt me down in twenty years and murder me slowly.
My prediction:
Ted Kaczynski- the fucking Unabomber!
Olivia
Oh God, did we really need the token crazy Christian chick on this show? God damnit- do we really need another (young) bigoted Christian retard? On one episode they have to decide if they want to have a “religious ceremony” for everyone and of course Olivia could not possibly celebrate Jesus with other heathens around. Granted, she wasn’t the only one, but she stands out as the Christian hypocrite. You know, the one that claims to be a good Christian girl but in reality she hates gays (Jesus hated no one), blows up abortion clinics (Jesus blew no clinics up), and ends up being a major sorority slut in college her freshman year because she finally takes the plunge and has a few beers.
Yes, Olivia is doomed to spread the lesser known hateful views of Jesus Christ and she’ll ultimately end up an old, skinny, hateful, bitch that hides behind Christianity without really understanding and/or practicing it.
Fucking kids. Stay tuned for PART II coming soon.
Breaking News: Tragedy at Kid Nation Wednesday, Oct 10 2007
Entertainment and Humor 11:27 pm
Future episodes of the hit television show “Kid Nation” have been put on hold after the tragic events that have transpired this week. For those unfamiliar with the premise of the show, forty children were sent to an abandoned town named Bonanza and forced to run and operate the town all on their own. The town was divided into four teams- Red, Yellow, Green, and Blue- and these teams compete each week to see who will hold what positions around the town.
The yellow team, lead by young beauty queen Taylor, typically comes in third, making them the cooks. For the past few weeks there has been trouble stirring with most of the town unsatisfied with the yellow team’s inability to cook, clean, or do anything useful. When confronted by the other teams, Taylor replied “YA’LL CAN JUST DEAL WITH IT!” - proving she had a bright future apprenticing with Miss Teen South Carolina.
But that future came to an abrupt end this week, when the yellow team failed to produce anything of value- including food- the town revolted. With hungry stomachs, they rounded up the yellow team and caged them in the chicken pen. Surrounding the yellow team with pitch forks and lit torches, the town chanted “Eat the Yellow team! Eat the Yellow team”! After a few minutes of circling the chicken pen, the town entered, pinned the yellow team down, and tied them up with rope found at the local store.
The town dragged the helpless yellow team into the kitchen, where they began to butcher the yellow team one by one. To set an example, young Taylor was first to go. Town member Alvin said “I’m sorry, but the bitch aint do shit- she had to go- and she can deal with THAT”! Baa-zing! After a brief struggle, Taylor was decapitated and placed into the large soup cauldron and cooked amongst a fine selection of canned carrots, canned peas, and chicken broth.
The town continued to slaughter the yellow team member by member, sparing only Zach, who unlike the rest of the yellow team, did more than sit on his ass all day. When asked about the situation Zach said “well, it’s kind of a shame that they cooked my entire team, but they were pretty useless. At least now they’ll provide something for the town in the form of a tasty soup. Fuck ‘em”.
By the time officials arrived on site, the yellow team (except Zach) had been butchered and cooked, and the rest of the town had already begun their feast of yellow. Unsure how to proceed, a town council meeting was held, where the town voted unanimously that being cooked was indeed the best contribution that Taylor and her team could have made to the town. The leader of the mob was presented with a solid gold star, valued at $20,000, for his role in the slaughter.
CBS was not available for comment.
